ikol83

Going to Rocky at the Circle tonight. All dressed and ready. And sitting up VERY straight. O.o

The wonders of living come to Tulsa. :P There's now a place that delivers burgers and such until Midnight. I've placed an order and am going to see if it's any good. Minimum order was $10, so I'm getting a 1/2 burger and fries, a chicken finger basket, and 2 pops. It's basically gonna cost me $20 with delivery fees, so it won't be something I use often, but if it's good food, then I won't mind so much. Plus it should be better than the standard fast food crap that's starting to actually have an effect on my health.

So, after that long trip, I'm back. I'll expand on the stories later, but let me sum it up...

Spent the night in a campground that was more like a manicured lawn for yuppie campers than real camping.
Found a city I really want to move to now. (Denver and some of the surrounding cities are SOOOO nice.)
I drove/walked up to an alpine slope covered in snow over 12,000 ft above sea level,
Hiked up a mountain to a glacier some 10,000 ft above sea level and got sunburned in 70 degree weather with snow all around me.
Flirted with a cashier in the gift shop on Pike's Peak, which we got to go to for half price since the top was closed when we entered the park so they didn't charge full price.
Bought 3 very large sage bundles from a frontiersman/pagan in Royal Gorge park/theme-parkish-attraction
Stayed the night in a haunted hotel in New Mexico (More on that soon in it's own post).
Hiked to the bottom of an inactive volcano in New Mexico.
Experienced the cowering pain of elevation sickness.
Resisted going off on my best friend about his bad traits.

And now I'm back, tired, and needing of some of the vices I missed out on.

I'll be gone for a week camping in Colorado as of tomorrow. Rocky Mountain National Park. Here's hoping everything goes well.

So I've been thinking about getting a cat lately as a cure for loneliness. A friend of mine works with pets as a vet and she knows I've been thinking about it, so she presented me a cute little kitten. There's just one problem with it: it suffers from cerebellar hypoplasia, which makes her all spastic when she walks. A lot of people thinks there's something wrong with the cat and that it's in pain, so they get put down. It doesn't hinder cats that are afflicted with it too much later in life, so it's really not a big deal.

There's a kitten with the same problem.

Now...when you're thinking about getting a cat and you see one like that...could you really turn this face away?

Went to a pretty cool part last night. Not as much fetish-y type stuff happened as I hoped, but it was still nice to go out and see people I've not seen, quite literally, in years.

The big downer of the night was my drinking buddy who went along. I ended up feeling like the wife with the alcoholic husband as I tried to keep him in check and apologizing to people for him before finally getting him to leave earlier than I really wanted to. We even ended up arguing in the car on the way back to his place. But I called him today and he apologized for being a belligerent ass, so we're still cool.

It was funny and kinda cute up to a point, then it just got embarrassing.

Ah well, I'm still entertained by how many people went "So...are you and he 'together'?" He tries to be kinda tough and stuff, so I'll probably tease him with that for awhile. The answer is no, by the way.

I plan on going to their next party though and may take him along this time, though I'll whip him into shape as far as how to behave at such a party between now and then.

So I've finally been cooking and things like that. It took being broke for 2 weeks to get me to learn how to live. I've enjoyed it. I've had several moments lately where I've felt nicely human and content, which are the moments I live for.

It occurred to me what learning this stuff is like though. When I learn to play a song on guitar, I just sorta read the music and listen to the song and do my best to imitate what I hear. Most of the time, it takes a bit. I make slow notes that sound bad and sometimes get frustrated. Sometimes though, a riff will just go 'click' and sound perfect and I get this feeling of satisfaction and completion. That's what living is like for me. I watch how others go through it and do my best to imitate them, going through their motions, trying to get it to work. A lot of times, it fails and I get frustrated because I can't understand how they're making it work. Sometimes though, on rare occasion, it clicks and I figure it out, and I get that same feeling of satisfaction.

Feeling nicely human lately. Right, and maybe someday, the Blue Fairy will make me a real boy.

Oh, and my new ink:
[IMG]http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s159/ikol83/Me/GetAttachment.jpg[/IMG]
Not the best pic, but you try taking a picture of your sternum with a cellphone.

Woot. Got my new tatto on my chest. EVERYONE told me getting one on my sternum was gonna hurt like a bitch, but my back was actually worse. I'll post a pic soon.

So...Um. Woo-hoo for drunkness. Though I was planing on drinking vodka, getting my tattoo design down, and playing guitar. I've accomplished all three, but the guitar was not the stress reliever I was hoping for. Upshot is that I know how to play the song "In Time", which is the song the guy plays in the restuarant in The Punisher. Sexy fuckin' song that.

I'm basically trying to stay drunk until V-day is over so I don't get depressed...so I'm drinking a depressant...go figure.

Okay, I've never drank real tea before evidently. I've had 3 cups of hot tea. One of green tea, one of...whatever that normal iced-type tea we southern folk make, and now some lemon tea. I'm bouncing off the fucking walls. 0.0 I've never been this buzzed. I kinda like it. Wooooooooo *Spins around in his chair cackling*. I feel like I'm about to pull my shirt up onto my head and yell how I'm the great Cornholio. Christ.

I've not posted in a long time. I've not had much to say.

I had an epiphany today though, and I feel the need to share it.

It's been a year since my fiance left me. She was someone I truly loved. And a year later, I've figured out why things fell apart and why I've taken up habits I don't like.

My mind races constantly. I'm constantly thinking about things. Most of it's inane nonsense, some of it's paranoid thoughts, a lot of self-criticism, a lot of self-analysis. But it's constant. And it's annoying and it's frustrating.

A good portion of my life has been spent trying to find ways to silence my interior monologue, my constant director's commentary on my life.
Sex was a biggie. From the time I was barely legal 'til not long ago, I'd hook up with whoever I could when the whim struck me. Sex, even though I rarely got off, could keep my mind silent. If I did get off, or even if I just got lust drunk, it kept my mind quiet for a long enough time to make it worth it.

Then I met her. The sex was amazing, and when I spent time with her, my mind went quiet. And I was content. But I guess it's like a drug addiction. I built up a tolerance or got too used to being with her and my mind stopped being quieted. So I found other distractions and ended up paying less attention to her.

Since then, I've smoked pot more often than I ever thought I would, which is to say never. I've drank quite a bit at times. I've somehow avoided sex though. Sex requires intimacy, which I've avoided for the most of the past year. Not counting the time I had an online boyfriend who spent a 3 day weekend here back in October. I have trouble counting online relationships as real relationships when they've got /that/ much distance involved.

I've done it without being consciously aware of it 'til now. All I know is that I've sought those moments of feeling quiet and content. Or just quiet.

I don't want any of the old methods now. Well, a relationship, maybe. Sex, sure. But I don't want pot and I don't want to drink.

So this leaves me with the question of what can I do to stop the constant noise? I'm trying to fix shit, it just feels like there's a huge fuck-off block of wood in my way. Something keeping me from getting things right. And I can't figure it out. It's like there's some missing puzzle piece and I don't even know how it's shaped. And it's not something I can use logic to solve and that's killing me. I'm so used to being able to solve puzzles. Tell me you need a device to do some stupid mechanical action and I can probably find a way. Give me a few pieces of something and tell me they make a certain shape and (provided they really can) I'll probably have it solved in no time. I've found the biggest puzzle, and that's life, and no amount of figuring or intuition or anything else seems to help me.

I'm not asking for or expecting responses. I don't really see how someone can respond to this anyway. I just needed to get my thoughts out while I was thinking them and I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Before I do a more serious post, I'd like to share news that's entertaining the hell out of me.

Evidently, a group from the infamous site '4chan' has spawned a group calling itself Anonymous. It's goal is to destroy the Church of Scientology from the ground up. And they're actively attacking. They've posted several declarations of intent on Youtube, but more than that, they've been responsible for a barrage of Denial of Service attacks on the Scientology website, as well as various other hacks. They've also been trolling Scientology forums and such doing things such as 'Rick-rolling'. If you don't know, that's sort of like doing a prank call, usually by throwing in the theme song to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air or by linking to


Probably the funniest thing they've done was hacking the 1-800 number that the 'church' uses and replacing the normal voice menu with the theme song from the Fresh Prince.

It's total guerrilla warfare against a group that's very deserving of it. They're working to make the public and, more importantly, those duped by the Church to be aware of crimes committed by the Church, the alledged human rights violations, and their role in the death of a former member.
They're claiming they're going to raid a ton of Scientology centers across the US and probably UK on the 10th of Feb.

I fully support this group (despite differences with some of 4chan's more infamous beliefs) as long as they don't get violent. I hope they're able to have a real impact against that group of nutters.

Whadya know? I'm still breathing. Just don't have bloody shit to show for it, hence no posts.

Just saw Sweeny Todd on a whim. Fuckin' fantastic film. I almost laughed at some of the killings though, but I held back to keep from disturbing the only 2 people in the theatre, a teenage couple, one being a squeamish girl. (Her flinching almost made me laugh, too.)

After months of fuck all in regards to my creativity, a muse has descended and slapped me around a bit. Not in a fun way, more like the Ghost of Christmas Present from Scrooged. I've been left with 3 main plot ideas for short stories. The thing that troubles me is that the involve going into areas of my personality I'm not comfortable with. In particular would be a story involving my character in WoW when he was still human and was a serial killer. Now, Erroll is a true sadist. I didn't make him to be some sexy-serial-killer-antihero, ala Sweeny Todd, Hannibal Lector, or many other movie villains of late. I made him to be disturbing monster of a man. He was born that way, lived that way, died that way. I wrote the short story chronicaling his life in his words to make sure it came across that he was sick beyond any word I can think of. This required getting into his mindset, which at the time was easy given circumstances in my life that led to me having tons of pent-up anger. His personality actually came from an RP scene I did during that time in which Erroll(Technically, it was his Forsaken form, Kolic (a character who was ignorant of his past for a long time) tortured another character.
Simply put, it disturbs me and makes me feel dirty when I delve into his persona to write or rp as him. I haven't been able to do it for months as the anger simply faded away into the recesses of my mind.
But...I have an idea for a fun short story. I like the plot idea, it fascinates me, and I think it'd be a hell of a read. The other two ideas require similiar mindsets, however both ideas both go into a more sexual area. One idea is disturbing only for the people who are having sex, the other is less disturbing and requires a dip into the darker areas of a sub/dom relationships (If you know what that means, great. If not, don't ask.)
So I'm troubled by the fact that I have 3 ideas that I want to write but dread becoming the characters for, a necessary step for my writing process. This brings me to this question:

Should a writer risk disturbing himself for the sake of a potentially great story?

According to Zonealarm, I'm having a glut of access attempts from a long list of IP adresses. I could actually sit and watch my message count increase over and over. Now I'm very happy that I have ZoneAlarm, I must say. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on though. My task manager lists nothing unusual running in the background. I guess I need to run my spyware programs, mebbe see if they're picking up any trojans that'd cause this sort of thing.
*militant hacker mode activated*

Oh, movies news I'm sadly excited by:
Mark Wahlberg is gonna play the title character in the movie adaptation of the game Max Payne. It's this really cool dark noir tale about a NY cop who's family is killed by junkies and he takes revenge while figuring out the whys and whos about it. And after I read that news, I thought about it, and I can completely see him as the Max Payne in Max Payne 1. They changed the character's appearance so much in the sequel, I have trouble seeing him play that version of Max, but if he owns the character enough in the 1st one, it's possible.

So, after a shower to re-humanize, I'm back from a camping trip at the Devil's Den in Arkansas. I'm bruised, scraped, blistered, sore, and was dirty, but I had a damn fine time. Joe, the closest thing I have to a real brother, and I spent 3days and 2nights just outside the actual park in the woods. Turns out they reserve all the campsites in the actual park. It works though because we wanted to rough it a bit and that is what we had to do. The first night was sorta let down due to a fire that would not start for the life of me. I'm enough of a pyromaniac that I've never had problems starting a fire. The night was really cold, so that sucked. We also had some "neighbors" who moved in, a group of university assholes who were drunk and loud. So, being in a feral mood and enjoying the starlit night, Joe and I stalked around in the dark for fun. The next day we moved camp farther away in case the loud ones came back and went on a hike. We took the main trail there and took many photos. Devil's Den is popular for it's bat-filled caves, and they were impressive. The bats were so close, I could actually have touched them, and a few people accidentally grabbed them while trying to find a hand grip in some of the narrower spots. We also squeezed through a tiny cave called The Devil's Icebox. It's something they supposedly recommend spelunking gear for, but we said fuck it and went in with nothing but some grip gloves and my willpower.
The woods were extremely calming there and towards sunset the first night, we were welcomed by the howls of a coyote. We also ended up having problems staying awake at night, both of us dozing off before 9am on both nights. Granted, we were both awaken by various things, the drunkards the first night, ATVs coming within 5 ft of our tent the next as well as the rain the 2nd night drumming on the tent. The lady at the visitor center also really seemed to like us, very eagerly helping us and such. She commented on my Odin's Mask necklace and even pointed out how cool it was to her co-worker, which makes me wonder if maybe she was pagan too, which might explain the helpfulness. Either that or she liked the fact we weren't rednecks or yuppy campers with boy scouts in tow.
Heh, also got to see Joe get checked out by the female cashier at a Walgreens, something he could REALLY stand to notice more. Not saying that he gets checked out often, but more that he could really use a girlfriend.
And in geek news, just in time for my birthday on Tuesday, WoW is releasing the newest patch, which adds some really spiffy stuff, including the flying machine I've been waiting to make since it was announced. Sad that I'm so excited about that, but I don't have much going on and probably won't do much for my birthday anyway.

Oh, and Kupo, I'm not sure I have your phone number anymore, but if you can get it to me, I'll gladly stay in touch, luv.

Am I the only one that, when listening to some music (watching some movies and such as well), just feels like something inside is about to explode out? I'm not always capable of experiencing music that way, but tonight has been one of those nights and I've been going around YouTube listening to random stuff like Apocalyptica, Serj Tankian from System of a Down's solo stuff, Andy Mckee, Switchblade Sisters, and most interesting, a girl singing Linkin Park's "What I've Done" with piano accompaniment that literally took my breath away.




I'm having an intense reaction to this music, feeling it in such a wonderful way, but when I'm like this I always wonder if I'm strange for it.
I know that when I play guitar I can get into the music like that and it's from that that I began to understand the tendency of musicians to make strange faces or even make noises while playing.

I'm just gonna attribute it to the full moon and enjoy it.

So...a customer of mine died recently, it turns out. I'm really quite saddened by it. She was a very sweet older lady, she always had a smile, and she always liked to joke and chat. She was one of the really nice customers that take the time to learn how to run the machines a bit and then, when they see others having trouble, take time from their own work to help others. She could talk to just about anyone.
She died of pancreatic cancer.
Her daughter came in to make copies of pictures for her memorial service. I got to see pictures of this sweet lady as she was near the end. She was horribly jaundiced and was very clearly very sick.
Dunno, maybe it's wrong to get so attached to my regular customers, but I like it. It's nice to get to make connections like that. But this hit me kinda hard.

There is one fewer honestly good person gone from this world, and that's a damn shame. There are far too few.

So...my hot water was off again. A pipe supposedly burst. Took'em two days. Yeah...turns out, when I got drunk last night and went to wash out a shotglass with hot water, I turned the knob on, but didn't turn it off when nothing came out. So...I get home from the movies after work, and near my door I hear this hissing sound. I open my apartment door, and SUPRISE! my whole apartment feels like a sauna and my kitchen faucet has been running for gods know how long. Impressive, in a way, as you consider how long the hot water was running and it was still scalding hot.

So yeah...Saw Order of the Phoenix. GOOD movie! Not for the kiddies, as anyone who read the book will tell you. Was also nice at first, as the theater was empty except for a couple of old ladies. The part of me that gets antsy around crowds has been strong lately, and to have that empty of a space, dark, quiet, with a chill in the air, did me a lot of good. Very calming.